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THIS TEXT WAS WRITTEN FOR ALL FRIENDS WHO SUPPORTED SANDY AND ME, BY CARDS, WORDS, E-MAILS, PRAYERS, VISITS AND OTHER FORMS AFTER STRUCK BY A STROKE BY A BLEEDING IN THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY HEAD END OF MAY 2006.

A ROTTEN BIT OF LUCK / A TOUCH OF GOD

IN HOSPITAL WHEN THE DOCTOR COULD NOT GIVE DETAILED MEDICAL REASONS FOR WHY I'D HAD A STROKE, HE RESPONDED BY THE FIRST PART OF THIS TITLE, AFTER WHICH I SUGGESTED 'A TOUCH OF GOD'. HE THEN RESPONDED BY "THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT FOR YOURSELF".

WHEN STRUCK (ON 06-05-2006 23.30 H.), I DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT STROKES (ONLY THAT THE FATHER-OF A FRIEND OF MY SON HAD ONE 20 YEARS BEFORE; HE STILL IS HANGING IN A WHEELCHAIR, AND SPEAKS VIA A COMPUTER WHICH HE CAN TOUCH WITH 1 FINGER ONLY SLOWLY.

LYING IN A HOSPITAL BED, MY LEFT SIDE PARALIZED, WITHOUT ANY SENSATION, I DID NOT KNOW THAT THERE MIGHT BE A POSSIBILITY OF RECOVERING. JUST BEFORE MY ARRIVAL ON THE STROKE WARD A GUY HAD PASSED AWAY AS RESULT OF A STROKE AND DURING THE SECOND WEEK ANOTHER ALSO PASSED AWAY; A NEIGHBOUR AT THE WARD WAS ALREADY LYING THERE FOR 4 MONTH'S, UNABLE TO MOVE, SPEAK/READ OR EAT AND DRINK, WITHOUT ANY HOPE OF PROGRESS.

ON THE FIRST DAY A DECISION HAD TO BE TAKEN IF I NEEDED BRAIN OPERATION TO AVOID BRAINDEATH, (THE NEXT DAY HOWEVER THE NEED FOR THIS VANISHED).

FROM THE 2ND DAY I HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION INSIDE MY 'MIND'.

I WAS RETIRED (65 Y. OLD), HEALTHY AND STRONG SO FAR, HAVING BEEN A DUTCH ARABLE FARMER, DONE SOME DEVELOPMENT WORK, TEACHER ETC. ETC. HANDYMAN, RETIRED INTERFAITHER, NOW HOUSEHOLDER, DOING THE SHOPPING, COOKING ETC, DOING SOME GARDENING, WHILE SANDY WAS WORKING ON 3 BOOKS, FOR WHICH I DID THE DESIGNING/LAY-OUT; ALSO I PLAYEDTHE PIANO NOW AND THEN. PIANO/MUSIC HAD BEEN AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE. WHEN I LOST 2 FINGERS BY AN ACCIDENT I MOVED FROM THE PIANO TO THE CELLO AND BACK WHEN MY DAUGHTER NEEDED A PIANIST WITH HER CELLO PLAYING.

YOU SEE: AN ACTIVE (MALE?!) DOER. . . AND FROM NOW ON, IT SEEMED LYING THERE, NOTHING ANYMORE OF THIS ALL, WITH NOTHING TO REPLACE IT.

BEFORE THE STROKE I HAD ALREADY TAKEN DISTANCE FROM MANY THINGS AND ACTIVITIES; NOT HAVING MUCH NEEDS ANYMORE; DID THINK ABOUT GIVING AWAY THE PIANO ETC. BUT, YOU KNOW, A PIANIST, WHEN COMING ACROSS A PIANO WHEREEVER, ALWAYS LIKES TO TOUCH IT, TO PLAY A SHORT MELODY TO BRING AN OLD ABANDONED PIANO TO LIFE FOR A MOMENT (ALL EGO OF COURSE I REALIZE NOW:'HEAR ME!). SUCH LITTLE THINGS SEEMED NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE.

AFTER THESE KIND OF CONSIDERATIONS I BECAME AWARE THAT MY IDENTITY, LINKED TO MY EGO, (EGO AS ILLUSORY CONSTRUCTION OF IDENTITY ASPECTS. BEFORE BECOMING ABLE TO REALIZE 'I AM ', (AS THERE IS NO DUALITY IN HEAVEN, 'WE ARE' IS NOT EXISTENT) AND BE PART OF THE TOTALITY OF SPIRIT/GOD BEYOND' AND BLISS, THIS 'EGO' HAS TO BE BROKEN DOWN) HAD BEEN CONSTRUCTED BY ALL THE THINGS I COULD DO, AND HAD DONE IN THE PAST; TALENTS AND SKILLS ETC. SO THE STROKE WOULD TAKE MY IDENTITY AWAY! AT THAT MOMENT I REALIZED HOW GOOD THIS WAS, BECAUSE MY BASIC AIM IS TO BECOME SELF-REALIZED (COMPARABLE IN BUDHISM WITH 'REALIZING THE BUDDHA IN ONESELF'), AND I KNEW THAT FOR THAT, ONE HAS TO GET RID OF ONE'S FALSE EGO. AT THIS VERY MOMENT, I RECOGNIZED THE BLESSING OF THE STROKE FOR ME. I MUST HAVE QUITE AN EGO (AS SOMEONE ONCE REMARKED 'TOP-DOG BEHAVIOUR. ') SO THERE MUST BE SOME WORK TO DO. FIND A WAY TO CONTINUE AN EXISTENCE WITHOUT MY ILLUSIVE EGO.. . . . . . . . . . . .

NEXT QUESTION, DURING THOSE LONG NIGHTS AWAKE IN HOSPITAL, WAS IF THIS STROKE WILL BE SUFFICIENT FOR ME; IF I WOULD REACT WELL ENOUGH ON THIS WARNING/BLESSING, OR IF I WOULD NEED MORE OF THIS KIND OF TERRIBLE HAPPENINGS/BLESSINGS, TO GET MY EGO INTO THE RIGHT SHAPE/SIZE.

+ 15 YEARS EARLIER I CAME ACROSS A BOOKLET TITTLED ' WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?,' WRITTEN BY AN AMERICAN RABBI. HE DID NOT HAVE AN ANSWER. I HAVE EXPERIENCED MORE THAN ONE BAD THING IN MY LIFE APART FROM LOSING SOME FINGERS:

MY FIRST SPOUSE ELLY PAST AWAY BY CANCER WHEN OUR CHILDREN WERE 13, 16, AND 18 YEARS OLD. THIS I HAVE VALUED AS A BLESSING TOO, BECAUSE IT BROUGHT ME IN CONTACT WITH THE SPIRITUAL WORLD (THERE HAS BEEN FAR LESS BLESSING EXPERIENCED BY OUR CHILDREN; BUT ABOUT THIS ONE NEEDS TO ASK THEM).

WHEN I WAS 50 I WAS STRUCK BY 'FACE PAIN' OR TRIGALMINUS NEURALGIA (TN). SINCE THEN I TRIED TO FIND THE CAUSE/MESSAGE/SPIRITUAL BACKGROUND OF THIS. IT WAS TERRIBLE FOR YEARS. I LEARNED TO HANDLE IT BETTER THROUGH THE YEARS, ESPECIALLY AFTER I READ "HOW TO ENDURE PAIN BEST, IS, TO LET IT BE PAINFULL." BUT STILL I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAPPENED TO ME

IN THE HOSPITAL BED, I SUDDENLY SAW: I NEVER HAD ACCEPTED THIS TN, BECAUSE IT DID NOT FIT WITH THE IDENTITY (BEING QUITE CONTENT WITH MYSELF, PROUD, EVEN ARROGANT). I WAS CREATING MYSELF AS A QUITE SELF-CONTROLLED/RESTRAINED CALM KIND OF MAN. THE SELF-CONTROL HOWEVER I COULD NOT MAINTAIN DURING PAIN ATTACKS. . . NOW AFTER 15 YEARS UNSUCCESFULL SEARCHING, SUDDENLY I UNDERSTAND. IT WAS MEANT TO HELP ME FIGHTING MY ILLUSORY BIG EGO. BUT IT HAD NOT WORKED TOO SUCCESSFULLY; I NEEDED MORE.

NOW I AM GRATEFULL FOR THIS STROKE, AND WOULD NOT HAVE TRIED TO PREVENT IT HAPPENING.

NEXT QUESTION WAS AND IS, 'DO I NEED MORE BAD THINGS OR BLESSINGS?' I HOPE NOT, ESPECIALLY FOR MY NEXT OF KIN, FRIENDS, ETC, BECAUSE YOU ALSO ARE SUFFERING BECAUSE OF ME IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I AM SORRY FOR THIS ALL AND I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME FOR MY ARROGANCE AND STUBBORNESS.

TO COMPLETE THIS REPORT: WHEN CONSIDERING MORE BAD THINGS, ALSO THE WORST THINGS WHICH COULD HAPPEN TO ME, I EXPERIENCED A MOMENT OF BLISS, WHERE ALL GOOD AND BAD AND ALL OTHER OPPOSITES FALLTOGETHER; ALL DUALITY NOT EXISTING. I FELT AN EXTREME NICE WARMTH AND CRIED, INTENSELY HAPPY; WHAT IN ENGLISH MIGHT BE NAMED FELICITY. STILL I CAN'T TELL (AND DON'T WISH TO) THIS EXPERIENCE WITHOUT THE SAME EMOTIONS BEING ACTIVATED.

'WHY DO GOOD PEOPLE GET BAD THINGS?' I NEVER LIKEDTHE TITLE, BECAUSE WHO DECIDES WHO IS GOOD OR NOT? MOREOVER, THERE ARE NO BASICALLY BAD PEOPLE.

NOW I UNDERSTAND THAT INDIVIDUALS GET THEIR BAD THINGS/BLESSINGS WHEN THEY REACH A MOMENTUM IN THEIR DEVELOPMENT AT WHICH THEY MIGHT USE THEIR BAD THING IN A POSITIVE WAY AND TRANSFORM IT INTO A BLESSING/SPIRITUAL STEP INTO THE DIRECTION OF REAL HAPPINESS (WIHOUT SUFFERING).

I HOPE I WILL GET THE MAXIMUM OUT OF THIS AND DON'T NEED MORE. BECAUSE HERE ALSO THE ILLUSORY EGO/PRIDE LURKS AROUND THE CORNER: BECAUSE I CAN WRITE THIS DOWN AND "I DID HANDLE IT SO WELL!"

I THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED FOR YOUR COMPASSION, IN WHATEVER FORM. AS I BELIEVE THAT, AS THE MOON PLAYS A ROLE IN THE TIDES, SO DOES THE IMPACT OF POSITIVE THOUGHTS/PRAYERS BENEFIT ONE'S HEALING PROCESS.

I RECOVERED EXHAUSTINGLY SPEEDY AND CAN WRITE YOU NOW THIS (SPELLING SLOWLY THE ENGLISH IN MY HEAD AND USING ONE RIGHT-HAND FINGER.) ALSO WALKING WITH SANDY TO THE GARDEN AND SITTING IN THE SUN. HARDLY ANY SENSATION IN THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BODY. BUT IF IT WOULD NOT IMPROVE MORE, I FEEL LUCKY AND HAPPY, AND HOW COULD THIS BE DIFFERENT WITH SANDY AS DEARLY BELOVED MATE.